Conventional wisdom tells us that, in order to parent properly, we must strive to be our child's parent (that is, the authoritarian figure) rather than his friend. The reasoning being this being: a friend is someone we like and even respect, but not someone we obey. And we must have obedience, mustn't we? After 22 years of parenting, I wonder if this "wisdom" is actually wise at all.
I've been known to hold contrary viewpoints when it comes to marriage and children. I'm not in favor of date nights. I don't believe in putting my spouse before the children (it's not a competition!). I tend to question the neo-traditional ways of doing everything from home-birthing to homeschooling to refusing vaccinations and circumcision. So it shouldn't surprise anyone that I have concluded that it is OK to be my children's friend. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that it is essential.
I lost my own mother 10 years ago this month. I'd give nearly anything to be able to visit her or pick up the phone and talk. She was the person I went to with my good news and bad. She would listen to me talk about anything. She was interested in whatever was going on in my life. She knew me since before I was born and so what mattered to me, mattered to her. She was my mother, but she was my best friend. No one else cared like she did. No one else COULD. No one else shared so many memories and so much life with me - not my closest friend, not even my husband. No one was so intimately acquainted with me as she was. Her passing was a great loss to me.
As a mother myself, I am on the other side of that relationship. No one knows my children like I do. No one else but me remembers feeling them squirm and kick inside my body. I was the first to hold them in my arms and look into their eyes. I nursed them. I taught them. I loved them.
I don't have to assert any authority because my position as mother is in bedrock. The evidence is carved all over my body. The law (for the most part) upholds my rights to make decisions on their behalf and defers to me in matters of authority. I choose the curriculum. I buy the clothing. I make the meals and schedule the activities. I decide bedtime and snack time and set the chore schedule. No one denies that is my right and obligation as mother.
But "mother" is not somehow separate from "friend." They can and DO coexist. In fact, they must. For if I am only mother and not friend, then I am really just a boss, a master, an employer. Someone who tells them what to do and when regardless of how they feel. But mothers kiss owies. Mothers rock children to sleep when they wake up from a bad dream. Mothers take care of their children when they are sick. Mothers change diapers and wipe bottoms and faces and use their sleeves to wipe noses. Try asking your boss or employer to do those things.
And "friend" is not somehow separate from "mother." Friends -- true friends -- will offer advice. They will encourage you to do the right thing, and discourage you from doing the wrong. They will call you out on bad behavior. They will tell you what you need to hear even if you don't want to hear it. They have your back in difficult times. They rejoice with you. They weep with you. They will listen without judgment. They will offer judgment and correction out of love. They will make time to be with you. If friends did not do these things, they would be, at best, acquaintances - people who know you and will chat with you when they see you, but won't invest in you.
Mothers . . . they are parent AND friend. The best of both worlds rolled into one. My children are my friends. I don't need to be worried about being too familiar and losing my authority. I don't need to demand obedience and forego friendship. There isn't a miracle that happens the moment they become an adult that suddenly changes the relationship from parent/child to friend. I don't have to wait 18 years to enjoy their company as my peer. And they never have to wonder if I will stop kissing owies or holding them close when they are afraid. I am Mom and I am the best friend they will ever have.
For some reason, we like to set up "either/or" scenarios and then pick a side and defend it. Maybe it's an innate trait in humans. Maybe there's some benefit in breaking things down into categories that I am missing here. I am surely wrong about many things and you can take what you want and leave the rest. You can leave it all. My choices aren't tied to what others think as much as they used to be. I'm not here to convince anyone else to live their life differently.
I am just going to keep loving and parenting and enjoying the wonderful gift that is being a mother. These children really are my closest friends. I will always be here to be both Mom and friend, whether they are 5 months old or 22 years old. There really isn't a difference.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
My Once-every-three-years Post
Surprise!
I once again forgot about this blog (I'm a terribly blogger) and found it. A link to it came up on my Facebook Memories feed. The last post was just weeks before our first boy was born. He ended up a week late and we named him Benedict Elias. He's now 2 years, 7 months old. Oh, and he's a big brother too. Another boy come into our family four months ago. He's my third rainbow baby. He's also a Superbowl baby. He's got quite the story. His name is Tobias Eliot which means "God is good" because, you know, He is.
The kids are eating lunch. I just finished mine. Baby is in the swing and starting to fuss.
Let's see . . . since my last post, besides having more children, I've also ran for city council and won. (I was unopposed so don't be too impressed.) This will be my third year of a four-year term. I also ran for PCO for a second term. Won that too. I was (briefly) the vice-chair of the county party but having baby, baby having feeding issues, a touch of postpartum depression, and the urging of my husband finally convinced me to step down.
So here I am. Still homeschooling. Still fighting for Liberty. Still making babies.
My oldest daughter now lives in Ohio. Don't ask why. That's a story for another day, probably three years from now when moving to Ohio seems like the least of the things to tell you about.
Baby is full-on crying now and since he's dealing with a bit of a head cold, I won't make him wait.
Maybe I'll think to post here more often. Lord knows it would be good for me to get some things written down, chew them over, share them with others.
I once again forgot about this blog (I'm a terribly blogger) and found it. A link to it came up on my Facebook Memories feed. The last post was just weeks before our first boy was born. He ended up a week late and we named him Benedict Elias. He's now 2 years, 7 months old. Oh, and he's a big brother too. Another boy come into our family four months ago. He's my third rainbow baby. He's also a Superbowl baby. He's got quite the story. His name is Tobias Eliot which means "God is good" because, you know, He is.
The kids are eating lunch. I just finished mine. Baby is in the swing and starting to fuss.
Let's see . . . since my last post, besides having more children, I've also ran for city council and won. (I was unopposed so don't be too impressed.) This will be my third year of a four-year term. I also ran for PCO for a second term. Won that too. I was (briefly) the vice-chair of the county party but having baby, baby having feeding issues, a touch of postpartum depression, and the urging of my husband finally convinced me to step down.
So here I am. Still homeschooling. Still fighting for Liberty. Still making babies.
My oldest daughter now lives in Ohio. Don't ask why. That's a story for another day, probably three years from now when moving to Ohio seems like the least of the things to tell you about.
Baby is full-on crying now and since he's dealing with a bit of a head cold, I won't make him wait.
Maybe I'll think to post here more often. Lord knows it would be good for me to get some things written down, chew them over, share them with others.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
It's Been A While . . .
I'm home alone for four days. Well, not completely alone - just without my husband which feels like being all alone. I have the girls here, of course. They are in the dining room eating popcorn before (hopefully) going off to bed soon. I was passing the time looking through my blog list and found a site that didn't sound familiar to me. I clicked on the link and, to my surprise, it was this blog . . . MY blog. I had forgotten all about it! The last entry was made well over two years ago, before Miss Clementine was born. Before my father passed away. Before a lot of things happened.
So, I thought, since I'm sans husband and needing something to do (yes, I could do laundry or sweep the floor, but why?) why not write a new post? Catch all my non-readers up on what's been happening. :)
The biggest news is the impending arrival of Baby Boy. After four girls, and on the heels of two very difficult miscarriages, I am very large with child. Our first man cub. Our Blessing. He is due in five weeks but seems to be telling me he'd like to arrive a little earlier than that despite my pleas and protests that we are not quite ready for his entrance just yet. Still have a few things to do before we are as ready as parents can be.
When Clementine was born, I didn't want any more children. It was a very difficult birth and I just didn't feel like I had it in me to do it all over again. Funny how my ways are so different from God's ways. When she was just 6 months old, my father was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. He passed away within weeks. I'll spare the details for now as he deserves his own dedicated post. Very soon after his passing, I found out I was pregnant. I can't express how shocked and grateful I was to be pregnant. After such a stinging loss to find out we would be blessed with new life was such a balm.
A little over 10 weeks into that pregnancy, I began bleeding. Because that had happened before, I was hopeful that the pregnancy would continue. I had never miscarried that late into a pregnancy before and it was very traumatic. I was determined immediately to try again. The thought of having my last pregnancy being a loss was too much to bear.
A month later my oldest daughter made the decision to go live with her father. Another loss for me. I threw myself into my new-found passion (which was actually a life-long passion with a renewed fervor) of politics and began to medicate myself with Liberty and Dr. Paul. I somehow ended up chairing the county caucus, being sent to the county convention, then on to the state convention, and finally running for PCO (Precinct Committee Officer) and winning the election. I began attending every city council meeting and speaking up and speaking out. I had my eye on running for city council eventually. I was committed, passionate, determined.
God knows just how to orchestrate our lives, lay our paths, and guide our steps. During the state convention, I had pink eye in both eyes. I could hardly see but that didn't stop me from participating. The day I came back home I discovered I was pregnant again. A couple weeks later, I miscarried again. The distraction of being so involved in politics was the perfect way to ensure that I didn't succumb to the despair that was tempting me. I had taken it upon myself to help raise money for a friend to attend the Republican National Convention in Florida and I had responsibilities and places to be, things to do.
Well, that is about all I have time for writing. The girls are upstairs brushing their teeth which sounds a lot like fighting and goofing around.
So, I thought, since I'm sans husband and needing something to do (yes, I could do laundry or sweep the floor, but why?) why not write a new post? Catch all my non-readers up on what's been happening. :)
The biggest news is the impending arrival of Baby Boy. After four girls, and on the heels of two very difficult miscarriages, I am very large with child. Our first man cub. Our Blessing. He is due in five weeks but seems to be telling me he'd like to arrive a little earlier than that despite my pleas and protests that we are not quite ready for his entrance just yet. Still have a few things to do before we are as ready as parents can be.
When Clementine was born, I didn't want any more children. It was a very difficult birth and I just didn't feel like I had it in me to do it all over again. Funny how my ways are so different from God's ways. When she was just 6 months old, my father was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. He passed away within weeks. I'll spare the details for now as he deserves his own dedicated post. Very soon after his passing, I found out I was pregnant. I can't express how shocked and grateful I was to be pregnant. After such a stinging loss to find out we would be blessed with new life was such a balm.
A little over 10 weeks into that pregnancy, I began bleeding. Because that had happened before, I was hopeful that the pregnancy would continue. I had never miscarried that late into a pregnancy before and it was very traumatic. I was determined immediately to try again. The thought of having my last pregnancy being a loss was too much to bear.
A month later my oldest daughter made the decision to go live with her father. Another loss for me. I threw myself into my new-found passion (which was actually a life-long passion with a renewed fervor) of politics and began to medicate myself with Liberty and Dr. Paul. I somehow ended up chairing the county caucus, being sent to the county convention, then on to the state convention, and finally running for PCO (Precinct Committee Officer) and winning the election. I began attending every city council meeting and speaking up and speaking out. I had my eye on running for city council eventually. I was committed, passionate, determined.
God knows just how to orchestrate our lives, lay our paths, and guide our steps. During the state convention, I had pink eye in both eyes. I could hardly see but that didn't stop me from participating. The day I came back home I discovered I was pregnant again. A couple weeks later, I miscarried again. The distraction of being so involved in politics was the perfect way to ensure that I didn't succumb to the despair that was tempting me. I had taken it upon myself to help raise money for a friend to attend the Republican National Convention in Florida and I had responsibilities and places to be, things to do.
Well, that is about all I have time for writing. The girls are upstairs brushing their teeth which sounds a lot like fighting and goofing around.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
It's been 9 Weeks
But who's counting?
It saddens me that there are people who grieve more over the death of their dog than they do the loss of their four granddaughters.
It saddens me that there are people who grieve more over the death of their dog than they do the loss of their four granddaughters.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Mountains and Valleys
We live a very blessed life. We have a nice home, reliable transportation, plenty of food, money enough to meet our needs and more, access to information, and a family that will soon grow by one more. And, like the sinful creatures we are, we do not appreciate these blessings nearly enough.
It is so easy to become content - not the kind where one is satisfied with his/her situation, but instead where everything begins to be taken for granted. We start to live like this is the norm, the expected, the deserved. We deserve nothing, but by God's grace that which He chooses to bestow. As Job understood, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Over this last weekend, our charmed life was cracked just a smidge. Just enough to shake us out of our contentment and realize that we'd been living as if our blessings are certain. Of course, our salvation cannot be taken, and that is the biggest blessing of all. But the material and carnal blessings that we enjoy in this world are definitely not guaranteed.
God ordained marriage and blessed it. He knows that it is not good for man (or woman) to be alone. Two fighting together are a force to be reckoned with, and a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. My marriage means so much to me. My husband is my everything here on earth. He provides, protects, and leads our family to know and serve God better every day. So when that love and security is suddenly shown to be vulnerable, and the realization that I could lose it as quickly as snapping my fingers sets in, it isn't surprising that I become fearful and angry. Yes, I trust God. Yes, I believe that He will sustain me and my family no matter what happens. Yes, I know that my husband is a gift that God has given me and can be taken away, and I will continue to praise His name.
But, oh how desperately I pray that God would have mercy and spare me from that path I do not want to walk!
It is so easy to become content - not the kind where one is satisfied with his/her situation, but instead where everything begins to be taken for granted. We start to live like this is the norm, the expected, the deserved. We deserve nothing, but by God's grace that which He chooses to bestow. As Job understood, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Over this last weekend, our charmed life was cracked just a smidge. Just enough to shake us out of our contentment and realize that we'd been living as if our blessings are certain. Of course, our salvation cannot be taken, and that is the biggest blessing of all. But the material and carnal blessings that we enjoy in this world are definitely not guaranteed.
God ordained marriage and blessed it. He knows that it is not good for man (or woman) to be alone. Two fighting together are a force to be reckoned with, and a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. My marriage means so much to me. My husband is my everything here on earth. He provides, protects, and leads our family to know and serve God better every day. So when that love and security is suddenly shown to be vulnerable, and the realization that I could lose it as quickly as snapping my fingers sets in, it isn't surprising that I become fearful and angry. Yes, I trust God. Yes, I believe that He will sustain me and my family no matter what happens. Yes, I know that my husband is a gift that God has given me and can be taken away, and I will continue to praise His name.
But, oh how desperately I pray that God would have mercy and spare me from that path I do not want to walk!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Taking It Easy
I had a very stressful weekend. I spent Friday cleaning the house in preparation for a visit from family. I mopped the floor on my hands and knees, dusted, vacuumed, tidied up several piles of things that have collected over the last few weeks, caught up on all the laundry, and various other small chores. By the end of the day I was exhausted and aching all over, but glad to have a chance to make our house look presentable. That night both girls woke up several times, came to bed with us, and didn't settle into sleep until nearly 3am. :( Poor Abigail had an allergic reaction to the lawn treatment and her eyes were red, swollen, and gooped up pretty badly.
Saturday morning was spent watching the rally in D.C., hosted by Glenn Beck. I was up at 6am because of Abigail and her allergy, and watched most of the live feed while doing last minute preparation for the visit. I wish I had been more awake because the message was so inspiring, and the crowd so overwhelming. It definitely gave me a spiritual boost which I was to need for that day.
Unfortunately, the visit ended poorly and the stress of the yelling and tension in the house has caused me to have some pretty painful contractions and a lot of pain in places that I shouldn't be having pain this early in my pregnancy. I will need to take it easy for awhile and avoid stress as much as possible. I pray that the baby is okay and that I am able to carry her full term. My greatest fear is that something will go wrong and I will need to be in the hospital.
If you are so inclined, please say a prayer for my baby.
Saturday morning was spent watching the rally in D.C., hosted by Glenn Beck. I was up at 6am because of Abigail and her allergy, and watched most of the live feed while doing last minute preparation for the visit. I wish I had been more awake because the message was so inspiring, and the crowd so overwhelming. It definitely gave me a spiritual boost which I was to need for that day.
Unfortunately, the visit ended poorly and the stress of the yelling and tension in the house has caused me to have some pretty painful contractions and a lot of pain in places that I shouldn't be having pain this early in my pregnancy. I will need to take it easy for awhile and avoid stress as much as possible. I pray that the baby is okay and that I am able to carry her full term. My greatest fear is that something will go wrong and I will need to be in the hospital.
If you are so inclined, please say a prayer for my baby.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Bedtime Routine
When Grace was born, Jeremy was doing a midnight paper route and our bedtime routine was very lax. Grace would often be put down around 7pm and it would take me lying next to her, sometimes for over an hour, until she finally fell asleep. This continued until Abigail was born. Thankfully, by then, Jeremy had quit his second job and was awake in the evenings and able to help me put the girls down for bed.
I cannot praise the Lord and my husband enough for how diligent he was in setting up a bedtime routine. He thoughtfully planned a routine that started with Luther's evening prayer, and it has evolved over the last 2 years into a family devotional time, complete with hymns and Scripture verses. How wonderful to have a husband who has taken the role of spiritual leader so seriously. Even when tired or stressed, he has never skipped the bedtime routine. Sometimes it is shorter than others, but he always puts the girls down with prayer.
Here's a typical bedtime:
Each girl is dressed in pajamas, brushes her teeth, and is given a small cup of water. Their room is red-up (please excuse my Pennsylvania Dutch), and Daddy picks out a book or two to read. The girls sit in his lap while he reads the books, then they climb into their beds and Daddy recites the Apostles' Creed. Next Daddy leads the girls in their memory verses. So far that consists of John 3:16, Psalm 23, John 14:1-6, and the Ten Commandments.
That is followed by several songs and hymns. Our current reportoire is Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus, Jesus Loves Me, Amazing Grace, and Take me out to the Ball Game. :)
Then Daddy closes with Luther's evening prayer. Then the girls are kissed and told they are loved.
This whole routine can take an hour, but usually lasts about 30 minutes. It has become such a special part of their day and I'm sure they will carry the memory of their Daddy's love and attention all their life.
Thank you, Jeremy, for being such a gracious father. In this daily act of selfless love, you are showing our girls the love of the Father. You could be doing so many other things during this time, but you choose to spend it guiding our girls, showing them Jesus, and modeling for them the kind of man they will one day search out to marry and build a family with.
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